Starship Troopers, now with added Gungans.
Dear Hollywood,
As much as I love Paul Verhoeven's classic Starship Troopers (1997) I have no idea why you feel it needs to be remade. It's perfectly good as it is, the special effects have dated well and the hilarious social commentary scenes are even more incisive than they were when it was first released. But why do you need to use your vast resources to provide we, the moviegoing public with a movie we've already seen? If I want to see Starship Troopers, I will simply pop in a DVD and watch it. I don't need to shell out $15 to see a movie I've already seen. This has been going on for far too long.
It was bad enough throughout the Naughties, but in the Tweens it seems to have got just so much worse. For instance, the Amazing Spider-man (2012). This is a reboot of a film franchise that was begun in 2002. That's just ten years. Is that how long it takes now for you to sell us the same shit that we already have? I loved the three Sam Raimi Spider-man movies. They were awesome. I can see why you might want to make a sequel to these immensely popular and successful pictures. But why, oh why, do you want to start the franchise again? The special effects look basically the same and the plot is virtually identical. The only difference is there are a bunch of new actors. I just don't get it. I don't get you, Hollywood.
I understand, that in some cases a remake is necessary, like for instance next year's Judge Dredd movie. This necessary to fix the horrors that you visited on us with the iredeemable nonsense that was the Stallone/Schneider Dredd back in the 90s. Even Star Trek - people liked the old characters and wanted to bring them back. It's been the 80s since they were all together. I can see why your people, Hollywood, might consider that a good idea from a creative standpoint.
However, my main issue with remakes is this: There is an enormous wealth of material out there that has never been adapted for the screen. William Gibson's Neuromancer still hasn't been made into a movie, although one has been in development for 800 million years and might well star the godawful Hayden Christensen. Why don't you finally film one of the most influential sci-fi works of the last 30 years? Think about it - It would be our generation's Blade Runner. That means you need to take it out of the hands of a music video director and give it to someone who isn't a complete hack. Also, what about that Preacher movie that we've been hearing might happen for god knows how long? Although I think it would be better making an HBO drama out of it, it could quite easily be condensed into a bankable trilogy, provided you don't fuck it up, Hollywood, like you did Constantine. I've always personally thought that Bruce Sterling's Schismatrix would make an excellent movie, although the title would probably have to be changed, lest idiots shamble in expecting yet another Matrix sequel. How about the Difference Engine? That would be an outstanding film? How about a good alternative history film, perhaps adapting a book by Harry Turtledove?
There is, of course, another idea. You could just come up with something original. If you gave me, or most of the other writers with whom I associate the sort of budget you have, we could create something amazing. Of course, you won't, will you, you'll keep selling us the same crap over and over.
Yours in hope
A very bored moviegoer
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